If Only

Weary brown eyes behold the two precious manifestations of her very own womb, pondering what her life would have turned out to be if only she had taken Grandmawmaw’s advice and “kept them big ole legs shut” nearly a decade ago. True she loves her children, a fact proven due to the complete life change from free promiscuity and reaching for the stars to settling her whereabouts in order to be the proper mother and provider her children deserve. Money doesn’t come to fast and easy now; the pole carried her for the last time immediately after the knowledge of her first pregnancy. It’s glistening appearance and moneymaking tendencies call her name every once in awhile but even with the assurance that the thickness of her bowed honey hued legs still have the ability to get rent paid, integrity steps in. A mother she is and a mother she will be but still, the thrill of it all sways in and out of her conscience. The sight at innocent beauty, a young version of herself, convicts her mind of the opportunities at a stage life lived behind a stout silver microphone swooning crowds with a low and sultry, velvety voice…her passion. Resentment stands up, the warm and loving facial expression conforms to emotions of disgust flaring on the inside and a contorted glare of hatred is what four little eyes behold. Little voices inquiring of why mommy is so upset snaps her quickly back to present day. Smothering hugs consume her children with a warm tear or two dropping on each of their foreheads; them still unknowing of the inside struggle yet appreciating the tender moment. The mentally fragile woman releases her children and excuses herself to her room, shutting out motherhood just temporarily to indulge in a few bitter shots of relief. Praising the alcohol for calming her emotions, she drifts into her nap with desire fueled fantasies playing across the screen of her mind of what life could’ve turned out to be…. if only.