"I Ain't Gonna Let it Worry Me"

The speakers of the long time family vehicle only scream silence as the worn steering wheel shakes violently obviously from the result of a year’s past due alignment. Instead of facing and resolving all of the issues in her life that pop up in her face and lie dormant tormenting her mind, she decides to settle with a consistent self made pep talk which she often recites to herself quietly throughout the day, “ I ain’t  gonna let it worry me.” No, she is not in denial, she knows very well that her life is in shambles. Her husband of nearly 13 years is a faithful cheater and openly parades around the already small town openly with his young mistress. But she won’t let it worry her. Of course she cares, it hurts but she can’t bring herself to leave him. They argue, she stresses, and progressive hair loss is the conclusion. Barely forty and already the gaps in the back of her mouth where healthy teeth used to call their home are the evidence that stress has gotten the best of her. Her nerves jump and long black lashes flutter as she drives steadily on the rural road home tired from the sleepless nights. She quietly groans even though she travels alone as to hide her pain caused from a mild stomach ulcer, yet another diagnoses due to stress. Worse, she filed bankrupt yesterday, husband won’t work, doesn’t think he is obligated but her babies still need to be fed. They are old enough now to know when times are hard and food is low, lights are off and gas doesn’t work. She won’t let it worry her, she still has to handle her business. Her mind wanders off as she thinks upon her situation…she wanders why God has forsaken her after she has been such a good Christian woman. Why does her husband choose to be with her yet be without her? Why can’t she let him go even though she knows he is bad for her health. Her mind wanders a bit further to the thought of driving her rickety old bucket off road and into one of the Red Oaks up yonder to end it all but a burst of energy pops her eyes open as she snatches the wheel straight leading the car into its rightful place back on the road. Those nights of interrupted sleeps during cry filled nights haven’t won yet. She musters her strength and continues her trip towards home while quietly whispering, “I ain’t gonna let it worry me.”

He Said He Would Change

A cold rainy night engulfs a beautiful glowing woman, belly swollen full of a little boy and right eye closed with pain. She frantically limps towards a small cozy looking house with its porch light on in hopes of finding a safe haven from the man who helped create the child she now carries. Her knocking is not in vain resulting in a wrinkled chestnut brown woman answering the door and ushering her into the safety of her living room.  The nurturing widow of many years wraps the young woman’s wet bare feet in an electric blanket and tries to calm her in order to find out her circumstance but tears and wailing is all that could be produced. While shivers and shakes control the movement of her body, the battered woman recites over and over, “He said he would change.”

Ten months prior to this devastating night, the sweet natured receptionist had made a decision to let her one weakness filter back into her life. Instead of heading to her sister’s advice and ignoring every love letter that her then imprisoned ex boyfriend sent, she chose to embrace and believe the never ending poetry and promises. Thoughts of their prior experiences, the nights of beatings and days of stalking, were simply just pushed to the back of her memory. The seductive yet sweet lines of his handwriting were too good to let pass. Convincing and deceiving all in the same, each letter led a trail to her tender heart which was ready to receive her changed lover.
Within the next few weeks her newly changed beau was released from prison and instantly set up a home within her one bedroom apartment. He said he would change, and for the first month he did just that. The once abusive thug became a sensitive romantic man ready to build a life and family with his eye on the prize of fulfillment. Life for the couple was lived in perfect harmony and a month thereafter the news of a new addition was discovered via a home pregnancy test. He was ecstatic; she was overjoyed, they were together in bliss and wedding plans immediately followed.
Things suddenly took a sharp turn as soon as morning sickness set in for the newly impregnated bride-to be when her fiancé’ began to express his dislikes in everything from how she cooked to the way she made the bed. Character assassination from his end to her soon transformed into outright blows to her face and swift kicks to her growing tummy. Weeks grew into months with night after night of alcohol driven abuse until one stormy evening when she began to scheme her escape route. As soon as his fist met the side of her face for the second time, she swiftly withdrew her grandfather’s switchblade, which he had taught her to maneuver with precision as a teenager, from her bra and connected the sharpest end to his neck.

Leaving him bleeding on the bedroom floor, she fled without shoes, a purse, or even a jacket to protect her from the winter temperature. The faster she ran the faster the thoughts and regrets raced through her head. Never did she ever suspect that her honest life would turn out in this mess, she was a preachers kid. Why didn’t she listen to her sister and do what her heart knew was right? How could she be so foolish? Would her child have to be raised without her do to a possible capital murder charge? The pain numbs her mind as the unfamiliar but kind old woman escorts her into her home out of the rain as she whispers, “He said he would change.”